


This Cruel Moon

by Alex__trash



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst, Blood, Calling for help, Cutting, Dave | Technoblade-centric, Hurt/Comfort, Knives, Not Beta Read, Not taking medicine, Pain, Playing violin, Sad, Sad Dave | Technoblade, Scars, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Violence, Violins, eating problems, sleeping problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:14:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27961376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alex__trash/pseuds/Alex__trash
Summary: Techno’s anger and desire to hurt something manifests itself. He turns the knife towards himself, and for some reason it feels good. He can’t stop himself, and it keeps getting worse. He hurts himself in more ways than that, and then people find out. That part hurts the worst.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 245





	This Cruel Moon

**Author's Note:**

> Me? Projecting? Never. Techno centric angst with some SBI as side characters. Uh huge trigger warning for this story, I’m writing this because I need some way to get these emotions out there. This is almost beat for beat my life story, and what i’m currently going through. TW: self harm, little to no sleeping/eating, scars, suicidal thoughts, and self harm scars being found.
> 
> I referenced a piece very meaningful to me, even though violins aren't in this particular symphony. For anyone confused, This cruel moon is a movement from the wine-dark sea, here's the links;  
> This cruel moon by John Mackey: https://youtu.be/k4NpVsfyRvI   
> Wine-dark sea by John Mackey: https://youtu.be/GyvcDPuUzO4   
> This cruel moon is one of my favorite songs, and my band had plans to play it. I was the principal clarinet player, and had the solo but unfortunately the Covid-19 pandemic caused UiL to be cancelled and the piece was scrapped. After that, my depression got significantly worse, and this song never fails to make me cry. Love you all, please enjoy <3

It started with food, pushing things away so that he wouldn’t have to eat. He just wasn’t that hungry, so food didn’t really matter. Next came sleep, something that just didn’t come as easy as it should. He would stay up late in the night, watching shows and scrolling through social media. Lastly came his physical health, he stopped dressing his wounds. Bandages just weren’t necessary for him anymore, when he got hurt it didn’t matter. His headache was always pounding, enough that he would have to take painkillers just to fall asleep.

Technoblade was slowly destroying himself, but it didn't matter. Not to him, at least. It could be worse, other people have it worse. These thoughts constantly ran through his mind, he couldn’t get rid of them. At some point, a little worm found its way into his mind. He couldn’t pinpoint the first time he had a real dark thought if he wanted to. It had just become normal at this point. 

While he was cutting his food, the knife called out to him. The thoughts ran louder, telling him how that knife would feel against his skin. He hated the thought, it scared him. He placed the knife down, and went to his room to get away from it all. The thought didn’t leave his mind though, and he just kept thinking about his skin being sliced like a slab of steak. 

Without his permission, he went back to the knife. It glistened in his hand, and turned towards his skin. The motion stung, and dots of blood were left behind. Tears sprung into his eyes, and it felt good. The blood looked so pretty, and he felt free. The red lines stood out against his pale thighs. The thoughts died down, and were replaced.

Why did he do that? Why was he so happy? He shakily put the knife away, and cleaned the still bleeding lines. The cleaning stung, in a different way than the knife. It still hurt, but he ignored it. He slowly returned to his room, and went back to what he did before. His thigh burned, the warmth and pain seeping into his mind. It felt good, and he ignored the pain of it. 

The only time he really noticed is when he turned onto his side, and hit the lines. That made him wince, and he turned to the other side. Soon, sleep claimed him. He would wake up, and be as normal as possible.

Technoblade was destroying himself, and it was very dangerous. His skin burned, and the lines spread across his body slowly but surely. He was glad that he didn’t show his body, as he wore long sleeves and pants to cover the lines. Sometimes, during streams, he would bump the scars against something and let out a hiss. A quick ‘oh I hit my funny bone’ seemed to keep everyone unknowing.

He made a stupid promise, telling his fans he would play the violin at 10 million subscribers. He hit the milestone with angry red lines covering his body. He was terrified. Finally, he told someone. He called Phil, he would know what to do.

“‘Ello, Techno! Everything alright mate?”

“I’m fine, are you doing anything right now?”

“No, I’m just hanging around my house. Why?”

“I want to talk to you about something, it’s kinda important…”

“Go ahead, mate. I’m here for you.”

He wanted to cry, and the thoughts quickly ran through his head. He pushed them away, and took a deep breath. He spilled everything to Phil, his voice catching when he mentioned the cuts. Phil was scarily quiet.

“I’m sorry, I know that was a lot. I just- I just needed to tell someone.”

Phil’s voice was quiet, soft, and careful. He was clearly worried, and Techno wanted to cry again. 

“Techno, thank you for telling me. I’m- I’m worried about you mate, this is not healthy. This is pretty bad, are you in therapy or something?”

“No, I probably should do that?”

“Yeah, mate. Can I ask why you’re telling me now?”

“I- I promised to play the violin for 10 million. I’m scared someone will see.”

Phil went quiet, and Techno’s mind ran. The older man was angry, and hated him. Was pissed off that he had lied, was upset at being burdened with this.

“You’ve got this, you’ll be okay. I’m here for you, we all are.”

A voice entered Techno’s mind that he hadn’t heard before. This one told him that Phil would be sad if he turned the knife to his skin again. He didn’t want to make Phil upset, or anyone upset for that matter. The two continued talking, and soon the conversation ended.

Phil sent over links to therapy a little while later, and Techno genuinely looked into it. He was tired of being in pain. 

He recorded the violin video, playing a piece by John Mackey. When he finished, he pulled the instrument away from his body. He forgot how much he loved playing the violin, and how it made him happy. When he watched over the video, everything seemed fine. He closed his eyes, and swayed to his own playing. 

The video was posted, ‘Violin for 10 million, thank you’ the video did well. For a while, the comments were normal. Questioning why he played such a sad piece, complementing his playing, calling him a nerd, and fake Sun Tzu quotes. He was happy, but then a tweet was made.

‘Anyone else notice Techno’s arm? There’s some scars there, I hope he’s okay’ A picture zoomed on his arm, showing the lines on his arm. Soon, speculation started. Phil left him a message, telling him that everything would be okay. 

Techno tweeted out ‘this is why I don’t show my body online. You all have no idea what’s going on, don’t speculate on something you don’t understand.’ The tweet gets a lot of replies and retweets. Most simply asked if he was okay. Some were a lot meaner than that. 

A few days later, Techno made another tweet. ‘I am fine, for anyone asking. I’m looking to get help, stop worrying about me. Focus on yourself, I am fine.’ Again, a lot replies telling people to move on and let him heal on his own. Some were a lot meaner than that.

Another call with Phil helped Techno finally call a therapist. He told them what was going on, and they scheduled a meeting. The thoughts were still in his head, but the meeting helped. The calls with Phil helped. The tweets about him didn’t help, but he ignored them as best as he could. 

A few months later, he tweeted out ‘I’m doing a lot better, I’ll probably never really talk about what’s been happening but I want everyone to know I am okay. If you are struggling, please reach out for help. I should’ve gone a long time ago, therapy is great.’

People showered him in love, well most did at least. Things were going well for a while. Until he stopped eating, and sleeping, and using his medicine. The thoughts never went away, and for random months it all came back. Once he called Phil, and cried. Once, he called his therapist. Once, he just was silent.

It all depended, but he was doing better on average. Or at least, he should be. He still had fun, which was the scariest part. He was afraid of his own thoughts, and he lied a lot to his therapist. That probably was not a good idea. He continued practicing his violin, and playing his favorite piece. 

The wine-dark sea called to him, but Techno had learned to not listen. The scars never went away, but they faded. He was okay, that was true. At least, most of the time. The moon truly was cruel.

**Author's Note:**

> Remember that getting help does not make you weak, please call someone if you need to. Therapy is super important. Also, if you need someone I am here. My insta is the same @ (alex__trash) my dms are always open. Also, I am okay and in therapy so don't worry :) If Techno ever mentions that stories like this make him uncomfortable it will be taken down. I wrote this off of him saying he was okay with darker stories, but this is a little different so I'll take it down if necessary.


End file.
